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(no subject)

Some things never change, but the things that don't change are sometimes stupid and I want to kick them.

Okay maybe they change a little bit and are very tired and worn down to like 15% because damn, I don't have the energy, but maybe we could take that song off repeat since we've seriously heard it to death and the chorus is catchy but just give it a break.

In all reality I need to find someone to talk to. I have an appointment that got bumped up a week (to tomorrow) with a new medication management person I think will be really good. I had hoped he would be a new psychiatric person for me to talk to but he is only accepting new medication management patients.

Maybe if we click really well I can get waitlisted. I've been trying to find the energy to look for a new shrink/counselor/what the fuck ever but every time I try I just get teary eyed and exhausted and can't manage.

Work outside of the most recent drama has been good.

I kind of wish I had someone to talk to who was a close friend about my current feelings but anyone who would understand is still at weird high school level drama and I don't know that I could trust them, and I don't think that anyone new in my life would really understand the context, and

I don't know my brain is really dumb and needs an upgrade.

I kinda thought I would have things together a little bit better by the time I was almost 27 (it's my birthday next week wooooo)

Then again I am making peace with the fact I am incredibly and severely mentally and physically ill and ...doing something about it instead of thinking I was a lot more fine than I was (see: like 800 entries in this journal dating back a decade despite the emotional rants saying I'm fine! I'm sad but I'm fine! ohhh but I was not.)

I don't totally know why I come back here every now and again since it's not that consistent and I don't write too much about what is actually happening in my life, just weird disjointed little blurb thoughts.

I will set a reminder on my phone to come and write about my day and try to hash out the good and bad together so I can keep more objective track of things.

Today was kind of good, kind of total suck. I woke up and took a longer shower with some music on, which is always nice. Lucas works a late shift so I don't really get to see him much anymore, but since it's my day off and he works late I got to hang out with him a bit this morning. We have not been getting along very well lately for whatever reason, but he snuggled me some this morning and made me some coffee and then ate some food before he was going to leave.

As he was leaving I told him I was going to do some laundry and clean up, I've been really deadly sick the last month (bronchitis or...something, god knows, I was out of work for a week. they kept sending me back home.) and he tells me 'don't make a mess'. a direct response to cleaning. So I told him it was really unnecessary to say that, and we got in this argument and he says I never do anything and just...I don't know.

That's us lately, we just argue and he snaps at me all the time and tells me I talk too much. I don't really think he likes me anymore. I don't talk to him much, anymore, he's more into his game than anything and has been for a while, and I'm also the only person in this house who intermittently will spend 9 hours scrubbing it until it is sparkling and catching up on all the other non-surface cleaning things that need to be done to it.

I ended up telling him all that and getting really upset and he apologized, but it always ends up like that. I have to rationalize and explain things until he has to apologize for being a jerk and I just want him to stop being one all the time in the first place. like he is so snappy to me and I try to be not snappy back and explain calmly why I don't like it until I can't be calm anymore and then he has a short temper and I have to deal with getting yelled at until we reach the end of the argument cycle.

which just seems to be every relationship and that's usually about the time that I broke up with everyone else. only I like my life right now and I like everything else, and Lucas and I have been together almost 3 full years. I just want to figure out how to make things work. I'm just really exhausted and wanted to come vent about it for a minute I guess. I know he has a lot on his plate dealing with me being a crazy person, but I wish he'd just try at all to not be so snappy and actually consider what he is saying before he says it.

outside of that it is supposed to be getting warmer here finally which I know will help. I am a slug human in the wintertime and I should have had a regular doctor visit a while ago, but any time I switch to a new job it is always like a 5 or 6 month process getting all caught up on my mental health nonsense before I get around to anything else. I've spent almost all my free time at some doctor or another on my days off. cheers.

after that it's going to be dentists...

what's it like to be a healthy person I wonder?

or a happy person with brain chemicals that do the thing

I did get to go to sakuracon, and it was kind of a mess but I got some good art and had a decent time, I saw one of my most favorite people in the entire universe who I love best of anyone and we had delicious ramen. Rehanon has been going through some shit in her life and I need to make her a care package when my broke ass is a lot less...broke

I will come back in my next entry with some pictures and hopefully some happiness and story, for now I am going to try to go eat. my new medications have me all messed up about food and everything tastes weird.
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(no subject)

I don't mean to only ever come here and write when I'm sad, but I guess that's the time when I feel like I need to the most.

I wanted to call my dad today really badly.

I don't know why I am being so silly. I saw friends today, which is extremely rare for me. It was nice. My dog was kind of a jerk, but otherwise it was okay.

I'm really tired and really anxious. I am just not on all my medications because i'm trying to find a new doctor and being without is really really hard.

I don't really have anyone in my life to talk to about this stuff. Nobody really gets it, my dad always did.

I have gotten used to no social life and not much enjoyment from most things but I guess my basket-casedness has become pretty terrible over the last year or two.

I am doing my best. I just wish I still had my dad to talk to.
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I just want love. And help. And someone to be my friend and miss me.

No one does though. They haven't for years. No one has needed me any further than what I can do for them.

I think it's the only reason I've ever had friends.

I wish someone would have the motivation or desire to prove me wrong.
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I don't know how to cope with life.

I can't make the noise inside my head quiet. When my previous doc had me on medications that helped my anxiety, things got quiet. Not anymore. Not for a long time.

I am so upset and saddened by everyone. It terrifies me beyond functioning. I don't know how to live like a normal human being. I want to hide but if I did that I would lose my job and my boyfriend probably and my dog and my life and would just end up...yeah.

I don't know.

I wish I knew how to be happy like other people or how to quiet all the noise and just be able to live in peace for even a few minutes at a time.

I know there was a time when I wasn't constantly terrified but I don't remember what that feels like anymore.
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My doctor failed to turn in the paperwork I specifically asked her to, in order for me to protect my ass and make sure any absences related to my disability are logged as such and not as 'this employee is irresponsible or incompetent '

She didn't

I tried to make follow up appointments and was told not to.

My medications got cut off.

The one she switched me to that made me horrifically sick, I called and said 'I can't take this please let me know when we can works something else out'

when I called to chew this horrific terrible bitches ass out, she refills the prescription that makes me beyond sick. The one I mentioned Couldn't take and was throwing away.

I haven't heard back since despite multiple phone calls.

Going to report her to any medical agency and OHP also. But I'm low income and have been treated that way and no one will probably ever give a fuck despite the fact that the medication she is denying me is what allows me to continue coming to work without leaving early to purchase a gun and putting a bullet in my head.

not dramatics not a cry for help, just objectively how I feel every day. I just am exhausted and I want it to end and I'm tired of feeling sick. And she doesn't help and treats me like a druggie or something, I can only assume since she snarls at me every time I mention what isn't working and how much I want help. I told her I don't care if it's a vitamin supplement, just please help me feel better.

I hate my job. I hate it. I hate being screamed at by people with no concept of reality and screamed at more because people don't understand how the owlrd works and want to act like I specifically caused their issue and also I hate the fact I have to deal with a huge group of fucking idiots who refuse to do their jobs because they can just pawn it off on me/my department.

I am just so so so tired and frustrated. I want to go back to school. I can't keep fucking doing this or I'll flip out an I'll end up in a bad spot. I am trying really hard. Ih ate this. I hate it. I hate it. I hate everyone.

except my dog. I love him. and lucas.

and a few other friends I haven't spoken to much, you all know who you are. I love you.

Just as usual I am sad and I am tired and I do not know what to do.

I just need help. please help me find another job, please let me go back to and focuss on school. I can't keep doing this.
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(no subject)

Also to all of you who have been here for me in any way,

I do love and remember and acknowledge you, and think about you when I am feeling small and insignificant.

I did want to say that. Even if I don't talk to you, there are people I feel close to here. And I love you guys and want the best for you.

I hope this makes sense.
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(no subject)

The day finally came.

My dad had a heart attack. Went to the hospital. They stabilized him several days, mostly due to fluid in his lungs. He was getting better and then his heart just stopped. They attempted CPR for over an hour, while we watched, which was the most miserable experience in the world.

When I came into the room they hadn't fixed his face and he was so gray and the way his face looked, I just....

I can't get that image out of my head. I held his hand the way he always held mine when I was sad and I sang him the song he'd always sing to me and I told him I don't know what happens so I won't say goodbye but I will say I love you.

I didn't get to say goodbye really. He was mostly out of it all the times we visited due to sedation.

It still doesn't feel completely real. I forgot I factory reset my phone and hate myself because I had saved every voicemail from him in the last 3 years.

My brother has some, but it's not going to be the same because I want to hear the nicknames my dad used to call me.

I don't know how I am ever going to be okay again. People tell me I can get past it but you guys know how much I told you that when this day came I'd be devastated.

I am starting to believe that certain people are just destined to have horrific painful lives full of suffering that never ends until they die. I think I am one of those people. I want to finish my dad's funeral, out in the open, beatles records, his favourite music, beer and food and telling stories about all his old jokes and the times we spent together.

If I haven't felt any different about my situation after that I'm going to quietly go too. I don't have the energy to fight anymore and I really don't think it's cowardly. I think that it's okay that I just can't. I really can't. I was past can't months ago and he was the only reason I hung on. For years.

And I don't know if I believe in God but during that time when they were trying to get him back, I prayed and I told him I wasn't sure, but"HE believes in you, he believes in you and if you are any good you won't take him away from his children."

Didn't matter. But how do I tell myself it's okay? Where do I think he is? I don't know. I really don't know. I know he's not in pain anymore. That's the only good thing.

But he's not here with me anymore either. And it's something I can't handle or deal with on any level whatsoever.

I've only ever been in love with one person in my whole life. I had the truest love for my dad and then the one love I had for someone I wanted to be my family someday and I just don't know...I don't know how to keep going.

I just want Judah to let me call him and hear his voice and talk to him and have him tell me it'll be okay because maybe then it will be for a little while.

I didn't realize how I never once felt weird bringing my friends out and around with him--and how many of them loved and cared about him so deeply. I hope he felt that. I hope that was all that was there when he went. I hope that even through sedation the last thing he saw was that his kids were there at his bedside holding his hands.

I need to know he's somewhere because I can't lose him forever. But I just don't know what to believe. This will be the hardest thing in my life I will ever have to go through, and I knew that for so many years, and I hoped that it would come at a time when I had loved ones surrounding me, and a support system, and now it's right at the pitfall of the worst time of my life an who am I going to call? I'm terrified right now. I would have called him.

I just want the hurt to stop for me too.

Either way I made him a promise and I have to take care of everything.

Nothing will ever be good or the same again.
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(no subject)

Oh. On the medical front, I still can't seem to eat. Seriously. I eat once a day, very small amounts--not by choice. Food turns my stomach over, I have no appetite, a lot of foods make me sick and I just really can't handle food.

Several years back during my ED days I would have loved this probably, but I have wanted to be healthy and strong and toned and lean for a long time now--not skin and bones and premature aging and all the health problems that go along with not eating. I am hoping if it is a side effect of my medicine that it tapers off--I've been on them for like 2 months now though? My ribcage is showing through the top of my chest and Judah keeps pushing me to eat more and I just can't.

I'm mostly only annoyed because it seems like this might be why I'm possibly getting sick (or just an irritated throat thanks to Callie's chainsmoking lol) but I'd like to have focus and thinking ability and it is just not fucking there. I thought maybe ADD and the sleep issues were possibilities and didn't even think that maybe it is the fact my body doesn't have the energy. 
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(no subject)

in shorter more concerning news, I can't really seem to eat. My doctor does not know if this is a psych symptom or a physical one and is doing her best to treat the psych ones before they have to do ultrasounds/GI stuff.

I took my measurements today and my waistline is 25 inches, maybe 25.5.

my hipbones poke out and all my jeans are falling off my ass. I'd buy pairs that fit better--my mum bought me one, but I lost more weight since then and they are going too.

I need a safe place full of love and pho.
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Went to the doctor.

They're putting me on clonazepam for anxiety. wellbutrin for depression. she wrote me a mini ambien scrip but with the combination of the anxiety meds + muscle relaxers for the car accident she doesn't want me to take them if I don't have to. I haven't filled that scrip yet.

I hate getting my blood drawn. But this is the first doctor I've liked. She's been quick, but has listened to me, asked vital questions, and immediately put out a plan. A plan involving medicating me, keeping up with my reactions, trying to get me into therapy, wants to do some other tests later and then try to address the assault.

She said she was really shocked and "frankly upset" at the lack of outreach to me previously about the rape. It helped a lot. She asked me what happened and I kind of choked and gave a really bare bone outline of the night.

It's not bare boned in my head even though I was blacking in and out.

I hope this is a sign that things are going to get better. Judah and I have been spending a ton of time together just hanging out and he told me today he owes me so much and that really I should punch him in the face. I guess he hasn't gotten over feeling guilty about the past. I told him I am not going to hate him for being a teenager and making a stupid selfish decision. We all do. I told him to just make it up to me by being there, spend some good time with me. He said he's content trying to make it up to me for the rest of his life basically.

I am happy about that. I still really feel like we are two peas in a pod in a lot of big ways that are very important to me.

Work work work. Making ze monies. Forward step, forward step.

I am trying not to think about my upcoming trial or the accident or the debt that is undoubtedly going to fall upon me when everything falls to pieces. It terrifies me.